calling across the water
calling across the sands
the beacon of life
unfailing
echoes throughout the
lands
ever it calls me
on and on
the siren song of
love
and ever I shudder
and push it away
too frantic to join
the fray
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Friday, September 16, 2016
Journal Excerpt
Honestly, I'm kind of freaking out about writing this. But I feel like it'll be therapeutic and helpful for me. So here goes...
//Good evening, God! I've come to two startling realizations, neither of which I really wanted to. a) I wanted to go to ____'s room and stumble/fall/do something with him not because of pleasing myself or him or anything quite like that. I wanted to because if I fall it's proof that I'm not cut out for this and I can just go back to Kansas and life can be normal again and not hard Whatever that's supposed to mean. And my other realization was that b) I could see ____ or most of my other gay friends butt naked, go home, process it out, and be okay.
I don't understand this. I don't feel like I want to. I feel like the better I get the harder it will get, and I don't want that! What the heck does hard look like?!? Okay, only You really know. And I just need to trust You. And Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is what I want. I didn't ask for an easy path. I've asked You to call me out upon the waters, to do whatever it takes to draw me closer to You, to make me more like You, and I've asked You to do whatever it takes to draw the LGBTQ+ community back to You.
Now what? This. Easy-but careful-relationship building,hard difficult spiritual conversations, and even harder perseverance, regardless of what the path looks like, and how negatively people respond.
So, yeah, welcome to my world. :)
//Good evening, God! I've come to two startling realizations, neither of which I really wanted to. a) I wanted to go to ____'s room and stumble/fall/do something with him not because of pleasing myself or him or anything quite like that. I wanted to because if I fall it's proof that I'm not cut out for this and I can just go back to Kansas and life can be normal again and not hard Whatever that's supposed to mean. And my other realization was that b) I could see ____ or most of my other gay friends butt naked, go home, process it out, and be okay.
I don't understand this. I don't feel like I want to. I feel like the better I get the harder it will get, and I don't want that! What the heck does hard look like?!? Okay, only You really know. And I just need to trust You. And Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is what I want. I didn't ask for an easy path. I've asked You to call me out upon the waters, to do whatever it takes to draw me closer to You, to make me more like You, and I've asked You to do whatever it takes to draw the LGBTQ+ community back to You.
Now what? This. Easy-but careful-relationship building,
So, yeah, welcome to my world. :)
Okay, Let's Get Real.
// I can't believe I'm doing this, guys. I'm gonna write about real things. I'm gonna start out with a cleaned up and fleshed out version of what I journaled about today when I got up, with some expansion, and then I think I'm just gonna type out what I journaled last night, 'cause it was profound and scary and what the heck I'll throw it out there. //
P.S. This is gonna be super long, probably.
I didn't get out of bed this morning until close to 1. In the past, when I've slept in that long I feel really bad about my life and believe the lie that my whole day has gone to waste and then kind of just want to give up on life and try again the next day. However, this morning was different. My roommate and I had a really good conversation while we were both laying there in our beds. Then, when I finally did get up, I went and had a nice long quite time where I wrote about why I didn't feel like crap in spite of having 'wasted' half the day.
The first thing I realized was that I've changed in where I think worth comes from. I've gradually moved closer to the ideal of recognizing that our worth and identity as Christians are found in Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross, and not in what we do. I think this has been growing in me for a while; I just hadn't recognized it yet.
It's a great place to be in! It's a wonderful feeling! And no, this doesn't mean I can just laze around or sleep the rest of my life. What I do does matter, it's just not the point. I hope that makes sense. Give me the benefit of the doubt here.
And this is all a part of a bigger lesson I've been learning: to let go. I'm learning to let go of my expectations for myself, others' expectations for me, and what I perceive as God's expectations for me. Instead, I'm pressing into my relationship with God. I'm letting my relationship with Him and the sweetness of His presence remind me that I don't want anything that gets in the way of intimacy with Him. And, again, there's so much peace in that. There's so much peace in letting go and remembering that my trust is not placed in my ability to study enough of the Bible or pray enough or do enough for God but rather in His ability to do it all for me. And then all those other things can flow out of love for Him instead of duty and drudgery.
And I like doing. It's been hard to realize that I can't help all the people I see here in Chicago. I mean, I can pray for them, but I probably pass by two or three homeless people every time I leave my dorm. It's crazy, and it's overwhelming enough without feeling like it's all up to me, without feeling like if I'm not running myself into the ground serving then I'm not really giving my all to God. It's also hard to know how to love those around me who are just as needy, but in a spiritual dimension. I haven't met very many people here at Columbia who are Christians, or at least Christians who take their faith seriously. It's easier to do things for someone than to truly love them, and the same goes for me with God. It's easier to do things for Him than to just sit with Him and ask for a glimpse of His heart.
I met with a priest earlier this week-Fr. John. That's his name; I'm not using a pseudonym. :) He talked about feminine logic vs. masculine logic. Feminine logic, he said, is about relating. Masculine logic, on the other hand, is about doing. He asked how men usually identify themselves versus how women usually identify themselves. We agreed that men usually focus on what they do to find identity, whereas women look at their relationships. Granted, this is not always true, but it was still helpful in looking at where our culture puts emphasis. Even in feminism, women are encouraged to have careers, and identify themselves by what they do.
Fr. John asked what logic God uses, and he said feminine. God is all about relationship, both within the trinity and with people. I hadn't quite thought about it like that before. I didn't think about it then, but that coincides well with learning to let go of the doing and embrace the being, the relating, the relationship. And I'm trying to do that here in relationships with people: to recognize that spending time with people and building relationships is important. It might seem like I wouldn't have a problem with avoiding relationships, but they've all been so complex here! And when I'm not even sure if I want to or should hang out with the only people there are to hang out with, it gets weird.
But I've met sooo many gay people, and sooo many people who identify within the LGBTQ+ community, and, if I'm take a breath and am honest, I'm pretty certain that's why God has called me here. I've already made a ton of connections with that community here, and it's really exciting. But it's overwhelming, too. I don't feel like I know how to reach out to them, and how to share the gospel with them in a way that conveys that it truly is good news for them. Sitting here now, it's easy: eternal life vs. eternal death. But it doesn't really seem that cut and dried in conversation, and because I know that the LGBTQ+ community has often been hurt by Christians and the church. Regardless of whether or not those people were truly following God, that's still their perception and experience, and it's something I still have to be mindful of and work against.
It's hard, though, to not feel like I'm avoiding talking about the truth sometimes, and to not want to at others. I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for me to be the hands and feet of God and the bearer of good news in the way that God has made me to be. Also, there are many times when I'm called to step out of my comfort zone and maybe say or do things that are not congruent to who I see myself as, which doesn't help with the confusion.
Okay, I need to get off and hang out with some of those aforementioned people. Ironically, the group that I was probably the most unsure about spending time with has a girl in it who mentioned casually that she wants to study the Bible with me next time I do it. I swear sometimes God just sets things up to keep me on my toes. It's unreal.
I'm gonna put the aforementioned journal excerpt in a different post.
P.S. This is gonna be super long, probably.
I didn't get out of bed this morning until close to 1. In the past, when I've slept in that long I feel really bad about my life and believe the lie that my whole day has gone to waste and then kind of just want to give up on life and try again the next day. However, this morning was different. My roommate and I had a really good conversation while we were both laying there in our beds. Then, when I finally did get up, I went and had a nice long quite time where I wrote about why I didn't feel like crap in spite of having 'wasted' half the day.
The first thing I realized was that I've changed in where I think worth comes from. I've gradually moved closer to the ideal of recognizing that our worth and identity as Christians are found in Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross, and not in what we do. I think this has been growing in me for a while; I just hadn't recognized it yet.
It's a great place to be in! It's a wonderful feeling! And no, this doesn't mean I can just laze around or sleep the rest of my life. What I do does matter, it's just not the point. I hope that makes sense. Give me the benefit of the doubt here.
And this is all a part of a bigger lesson I've been learning: to let go. I'm learning to let go of my expectations for myself, others' expectations for me, and what I perceive as God's expectations for me. Instead, I'm pressing into my relationship with God. I'm letting my relationship with Him and the sweetness of His presence remind me that I don't want anything that gets in the way of intimacy with Him. And, again, there's so much peace in that. There's so much peace in letting go and remembering that my trust is not placed in my ability to study enough of the Bible or pray enough or do enough for God but rather in His ability to do it all for me. And then all those other things can flow out of love for Him instead of duty and drudgery.
And I like doing. It's been hard to realize that I can't help all the people I see here in Chicago. I mean, I can pray for them, but I probably pass by two or three homeless people every time I leave my dorm. It's crazy, and it's overwhelming enough without feeling like it's all up to me, without feeling like if I'm not running myself into the ground serving then I'm not really giving my all to God. It's also hard to know how to love those around me who are just as needy, but in a spiritual dimension. I haven't met very many people here at Columbia who are Christians, or at least Christians who take their faith seriously. It's easier to do things for someone than to truly love them, and the same goes for me with God. It's easier to do things for Him than to just sit with Him and ask for a glimpse of His heart.
I met with a priest earlier this week-Fr. John. That's his name; I'm not using a pseudonym. :) He talked about feminine logic vs. masculine logic. Feminine logic, he said, is about relating. Masculine logic, on the other hand, is about doing. He asked how men usually identify themselves versus how women usually identify themselves. We agreed that men usually focus on what they do to find identity, whereas women look at their relationships. Granted, this is not always true, but it was still helpful in looking at where our culture puts emphasis. Even in feminism, women are encouraged to have careers, and identify themselves by what they do.
Fr. John asked what logic God uses, and he said feminine. God is all about relationship, both within the trinity and with people. I hadn't quite thought about it like that before. I didn't think about it then, but that coincides well with learning to let go of the doing and embrace the being, the relating, the relationship. And I'm trying to do that here in relationships with people: to recognize that spending time with people and building relationships is important. It might seem like I wouldn't have a problem with avoiding relationships, but they've all been so complex here! And when I'm not even sure if I want to or should hang out with the only people there are to hang out with, it gets weird.
But I've met sooo many gay people, and sooo many people who identify within the LGBTQ+ community, and, if I'm take a breath and am honest, I'm pretty certain that's why God has called me here. I've already made a ton of connections with that community here, and it's really exciting. But it's overwhelming, too. I don't feel like I know how to reach out to them, and how to share the gospel with them in a way that conveys that it truly is good news for them. Sitting here now, it's easy: eternal life vs. eternal death. But it doesn't really seem that cut and dried in conversation, and because I know that the LGBTQ+ community has often been hurt by Christians and the church. Regardless of whether or not those people were truly following God, that's still their perception and experience, and it's something I still have to be mindful of and work against.
It's hard, though, to not feel like I'm avoiding talking about the truth sometimes, and to not want to at others. I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for me to be the hands and feet of God and the bearer of good news in the way that God has made me to be. Also, there are many times when I'm called to step out of my comfort zone and maybe say or do things that are not congruent to who I see myself as, which doesn't help with the confusion.
Okay, I need to get off and hang out with some of those aforementioned people. Ironically, the group that I was probably the most unsure about spending time with has a girl in it who mentioned casually that she wants to study the Bible with me next time I do it. I swear sometimes God just sets things up to keep me on my toes. It's unreal.
I'm gonna put the aforementioned journal excerpt in a different post.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Pulse
My soul shakes,
Quakes, shivers,
For the path
To victory
to freedom
is hard.
But I will fight!
For light, for right!
For friends, faux foes, alike.
The pow'r of Christ
Will be my hope.
vict'ry is assured.
Though a clash ensues,
Peace is tangible
Where trust is known.
Quakes, shivers,
For the path
To victory
to freedom
is hard.
But I will fight!
For light, for right!
For friends, faux foes, alike.
The pow'r of Christ
Will be my hope.
vict'ry is assured.
Though a clash ensues,
Peace is tangible
Where trust is known.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Tick
Tock.
Breathe.
Half past one,
Nighttime quiet begun,
In the absence of noise,
A soul speaks.
Try not to listen,
Impossible to avoid,
Echoes of a void
under construction.
Peace is fleeting
At least the feeling.
Eternity echoes forever.
Rippling waves
Of cosmic interplay
Stretching without tension
Endless acceleration
But for now I hit the ground.
Reality has returned,
Or I have returned, to it.
Which is it?
It is only in the in-between
that we can feel the partition between worlds.
Tock.
Breathe.
Half past one,
Nighttime quiet begun,
In the absence of noise,
A soul speaks.
Try not to listen,
Impossible to avoid,
Echoes of a void
under construction.
Peace is fleeting
At least the feeling.
Eternity echoes forever.
Rippling waves
Of cosmic interplay
Stretching without tension
Endless acceleration
But for now I hit the ground.
Reality has returned,
Or I have returned, to it.
Which is it?
It is only in the in-between
that we can feel the partition between worlds.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Eh... poem
I'm slightly bored,
Class in ten minutes.
(I wish)
More like thirty,
I was a little early.
I tried to go in,
But the door was locked.
Embarrassment conveniently blocked.
Thirty-three minutes 'til dance,
Time ticks for my second chance,
At not being late all the time.
I've been writing all the events and classes and stuff that I need to remember in a little notebook that I always have on me. I think it might turn out really well. Oooh, I just had a great idea! I'm gonna highlight future events according to the month they're in so it's easier to flip back and find them.
Class in ten minutes.
(I wish)
More like thirty,
I was a little early.
I tried to go in,
But the door was locked.
Embarrassment conveniently blocked.
Thirty-three minutes 'til dance,
Time ticks for my second chance,
At not being late all the time.
I've been writing all the events and classes and stuff that I need to remember in a little notebook that I always have on me. I think it might turn out really well. Oooh, I just had a great idea! I'm gonna highlight future events according to the month they're in so it's easier to flip back and find them.
Columbia College Chicago!!!
Hey guys! I realize it's been forever-at least it feels like it to me.
Tomorrow-well, technically today...-I start classes at Columbia College Chicago. I moved into my dorm last week, and I guess I've gotten acclimated. It's definitely been rough and up-and-down spiritually, but I feel like the Colton Dixon song "Through All of It" has been totally true.
Tomorrow I have modern/contemporary dance and ASL II. The first Intervarsity meeting is also tomorrow night. I'm really, really excited about that. Words cannot express my joy. :) Well, except maybe a poem... I do probably write better late at night, but I need to go to bed. I'm just filled with anxious/nervous anticipation of the things to come, so it's super hard to let go enough to go to sleep. It probably doesn't help that I'm staring at a computer screen, but... y'know.
I went to the Church of the Beloved yesterday. It was amazing. I started tearing up before even entering the building because I was so hungry for Christian community, and I bawled my eyes out during the service. I've hung out with people from there after church yesterday and tonight. I guess I like them. :) I almost feel bad being sarcastic like that because hanging out with them feels SO MUCH LIKE HOME OMGOSH.
Blogging playlist: (aka songs I listened to while I wrote)
"This My Soul"
"Go" (which I already played for a non-Christian friend I met here-it's a great story that you should ask me about :) [but you might have to listen to it to really be intrigued...{mysterious enough? let me know in the comments!}])
aaannndddd both of those are by The Gray Havens. Enjoy!
Love you and thanks for your support!
Tomorrow-well, technically today...-I start classes at Columbia College Chicago. I moved into my dorm last week, and I guess I've gotten acclimated. It's definitely been rough and up-and-down spiritually, but I feel like the Colton Dixon song "Through All of It" has been totally true.
I went to the Church of the Beloved yesterday. It was amazing. I started tearing up before even entering the building because I was so hungry for Christian community, and I bawled my eyes out during the service. I've hung out with people from there after church yesterday and tonight. I guess I like them. :) I almost feel bad being sarcastic like that because hanging out with them feels SO MUCH LIKE HOME OMGOSH.
Blogging playlist: (aka songs I listened to while I wrote)
"This My Soul"
"Go" (which I already played for a non-Christian friend I met here-it's a great story that you should ask me about :) [but you might have to listen to it to really be intrigued...{mysterious enough? let me know in the comments!}])
aaannndddd both of those are by The Gray Havens. Enjoy!
Love you and thanks for your support!
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