// I can't believe I'm doing this, guys. I'm gonna write about
real things. I'm gonna start out with a cleaned up and fleshed out version of what I journaled about today when I got up, with some expansion, and then I think I'm just gonna type out what I journaled last night, 'cause it was profound and scary and what the heck I'll throw it out there. //
P.S. This is gonna be super long, probably.
I didn't get out of bed this morning until close to 1. In the past, when I've slept in that long I feel really bad about my life and believe the lie that my whole day has gone to waste and then kind of just want to give up on life and try again the next day. However, this morning was different. My roommate and I had a really good conversation while we were both laying there in our beds. Then, when I finally did get up, I went and had a nice long quite time where I wrote about why I didn't feel like crap in spite of having 'wasted' half the day.
The first thing I realized was that I've changed in where I think worth comes from. I've gradually moved closer to the ideal of recognizing that our worth and identity as Christians are found in Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross, and not in what we do. I think this has been growing in me for a while; I just hadn't recognized it yet.
It's a great place to be in! It's a wonderful feeling! And no, this doesn't mean I can just laze around or sleep the rest of my life. What I do does matter, it's just not the point. I hope that makes sense. Give me the benefit of the doubt here.
And this is all a part of a bigger lesson I've been learning: to let go. I'm learning to let go of my expectations for myself, others' expectations for me, and what I perceive as God's expectations for me. Instead, I'm pressing into my relationship with God. I'm letting my relationship with Him and the sweetness of His presence remind me that I don't want anything that gets in the way of intimacy with Him. And, again, there's so much peace in that. There's so much peace in letting go and remembering that my trust is not placed in my ability to study enough of the Bible or pray enough or do enough for God but rather in His ability to do it all for me. And then all those other things can flow out of love for Him instead of duty and drudgery.
And I like doing. It's been hard to realize that I can't help all the people I see here in Chicago. I mean, I can pray for them, but I probably pass by two or three homeless people every time I leave my dorm. It's crazy, and it's overwhelming enough without feeling like it's all up to me, without feeling like if I'm not running myself into the ground serving then I'm not really giving my all to God. It's also hard to know how to love those around me who are just as needy, but in a spiritual dimension. I haven't met very many people here at Columbia who are Christians, or at least Christians who take their faith seriously.
It's easier to do things for someone than to truly love them, and the same goes for me with God. It's easier to do things for Him than to just sit with Him and ask for a glimpse of His heart.
I met with a priest earlier this week-Fr. John. That's his name; I'm not using a pseudonym. :) He talked about feminine logic vs. masculine logic. Feminine logic, he said, is about relating. Masculine logic, on the other hand, is about doing. He asked how men usually identify themselves versus how women usually identify themselves. We agreed that men usually focus on what they do to find identity, whereas women look at their relationships. Granted, this is not always true, but it was still helpful in looking at where our culture puts emphasis. Even in feminism, women are encouraged to have careers, and identify themselves by what they do.
Fr. John asked what logic God uses, and he said feminine. God is all about relationship, both within the trinity and with people. I hadn't quite thought about it like that before. I didn't think about it then, but that coincides well with learning to let go of the doing and embrace the being, the relating, the relationship. And I'm trying to do that here in relationships with people: to recognize that spending time with people and building relationships is important. It might seem like I wouldn't have a problem with avoiding relationships, but they've all been so complex here! And when I'm not even sure if I want to or should hang out with the only people there are to hang out with, it gets weird.
But I've met sooo many gay people, and sooo many people who identify within the LGBTQ+ community, and, if I'm take a breath and am honest, I'm pretty certain that's why God has called me here. I've already made a ton of connections with that community here, and it's really exciting. But it's overwhelming, too. I don't feel like I know how to reach out to them, and how to share the gospel with them in a way that conveys that it truly is good news for them. Sitting here now, it's easy: eternal life vs. eternal death. But it doesn't really seem that cut and dried in conversation, and because I know that the LGBTQ+ community has often been hurt by Christians and the church. Regardless of whether or not those people were truly following God, that's still their perception and experience, and it's something I still have to be mindful of and work against.
It's hard, though, to not feel like I'm avoiding talking about the truth sometimes, and to not want to at others. I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for me to be the hands and feet of God and the bearer of good news in the way that God has made me to be. Also, there are many times when I'm called to step out of my comfort zone and maybe say or do things that are not congruent to who I see myself as, which doesn't help with the confusion.
Okay, I need to get off and hang out with some of those aforementioned people. Ironically, the group that I was probably the most unsure about spending time with has a girl in it who mentioned casually that she wants to study the Bible with me next time I do it. I swear sometimes God just sets things up to keep me on my toes. It's unreal.
I'm gonna put the aforementioned journal excerpt in a different post.
